I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
