Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
