I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
