Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
