I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
