Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize