I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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