My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
