I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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