HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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