you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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