If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
