if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
