I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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