The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
