how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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