i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
