You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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