i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
