Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
