I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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