I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
