I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
