Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
