we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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