By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize