I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
