Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
