Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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