Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
