Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
