My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
