She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
