I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
