Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
