I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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