Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
