My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
