The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
