Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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