he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
