I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
