God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
