fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
sex in a hospital.. check
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
