i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize