how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
