The maid of honor just puked.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
