I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
