I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize