I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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