i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
