I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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