Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
