Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
