if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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