Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
