Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
