This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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