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why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So many bounce houses so little time
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
