The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
