youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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