who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
