found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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