My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
