Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
