I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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