Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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