Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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