If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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