Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
